I’ve wanted to share some letters from a friend, Victoria Porter, who is such a careful writer. I think you will benefit from the words she wrote to her newly-wed niece, Angela, many years ago. See if you can find anything useful in them. See part 1 of this letter, here; see part 2 here.
I’ve been thinking about just exactly what it is a man is after. Wouldn’t that be something to figure out?! We so seldom feel as if we know this one important thing, but here it is:
Dan wants to be your welcomed leader, your most important Spiritual head, your hero-king, your beloved co-laborer, and maybe just a bit pampered.
He needs to be able to look at you and forget the guy in the mirror.
He needs another self, another half, and you’re it.
He has so much to express, and no person he can trust, unless his heart can safely trust you. (Proverbs 31:11)
His buddies won’t do. No. There’s a closeness, a safeness, a vulnerability that belongs in marriage alone. Forsaking all others. Cleaving only to you.
He needs you to need him, trust him, like him, and, yes, pamper him.
He needs to know there is one place he can come that is devoid of enemies, where he can safely remove his armor, take a cool drink, and rest.
He needs to know that at least one thing is going right in this wrong world: home.
Without you to keep home right, he is very alone. He can boil hot dogs without a wife.
Without you to hug him while listening, he is very alone. A psychologist costs less than a wife.
Without you to trust his leading and pray for him, he is very alone. He can get grumbling or scolding at work.
A husband gives his own life for the joy of finding the “good thing”. (Proverbs 18:22)
What are we to give, what else can we possibly give in return, but our lives? No matter what your situation, you can always do some special thing, just for him.
The goal is oneness. Think of your husband as a part of yourself. God does. When Dan makes a wise or a financially beneficial decision, of course you’ll say, “Oh, yes, we added that room ourselves,” or, “we decided this was the best place to live,” etc.
But if he chooses to try out a disaster church or a lemon car — will you remember that you are married after that? Or will it be like this: “I can’t understand what he sees in this place!” or “That car of his just quit again!”
To an outsider, it may appear that you are taking all the credit and dumping all the blame, a common fault.
But to a husband it ministers one thing: aloneness. His heart says, “I’m all alone. My other one does not prefer me.”
His stomach tightens a little.
His shoulders sag imperceptible.
His gait slows a while.
Life leaks out of him. He is alone. It is not good.
It’s not just you, Angela; every wife needs to look at what she is doing from time to time. We all should pray for each other that we can actually love our husbands and do right.
And let’s pray for our men — who else will?
With much love,
6 thoughts on “Sent on Saturday – Letter #1, part 3”
“What are we to give, what else can we possible give in return, but our lives?”
This line in Aunt Vics letter causes me to think of what we are suppose to give to Christ. Luke 9:23-24. Deny ourselves, take up our cross DAILY, and lose our lives. This is the picture Aunt Vic is trying to teach, right?
Yes, sort of.
With Jesus, we turn in our old ragged lives that were killing us, for a new chance to start all over.
It’s not always exactly like that with a husband, although it can be. With a husband, it is like playing “Church” to his “Christ”.
But not exactly that, either, because that implies lots of other cultural things about adoption out of slavery and how they did betrothal those days.
Suffice it to say that when we cheerfully submit to the reality of one flesh, we gain provision and protection, not necessarily from the husband — although it should be and can be that way — but clearly and most definitely from God.
We are a picture. And when we pout, we are a picture of a Church who does not love Jesus.
What’s wrong with this picture? 😉
I see this in your son all the time. When I let him lead (I think most of the time I do), he flourishes. When I verbally express my joy, completeness, and need for him, he flourishes. I probably hear 3 times more from him than anyone else, but that is the way it should be. With others, he gains respect in his quiet by not speaking without thought, but with me, he shares all. And I love that because I can judge how well I’m submitting to him by how much he talks to me. When he goes silent, either I’ve done something wrong or he’s tired!
This is a beautiful letter. I think these letters would be great to share with any soon-to-be or new wife… maybe even the long-have-been wives too!
Your joyful devotion to your husband is a gift to the whole family, Victoria. The beauty of your relationship is obvious and fulfilling to us. You amaze us with how you “get it”. Blessings on you, Beloved Brown Eyes. 😉
Victoria encourages me with her zeal and devotion to her husband. I am ashamed that I am one of those long-have-been wives who is still trying to GET IT. Thanks for your words Victoria!!!
She is going to leave us ALL in the dust, if we don’t watch out! 😉